As within, so without: On Personal and Collective Grief
The next monthly grief gathering online is taking place this Sunday 6-8.30pm and if you would like to join either as a one-off or for the whole run of 2026 including prior recordings then all info and sign up is here: https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/1986799741510?aff=oddtdtcreator
Article follows:
The great James Baldwin said "Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced" and never has that rang more true for me as I move through the world bringing Lament and Collective Mourning practices into new and diverse communities.
These times we are living in, global systemic collapse is upon us and everywhere people are feeling the great burden of the Sorrows of the World. I mean... anyone who is paying attention, at least. If you are not grieving you are not paying attention... I am often found saying... but even if we are not paying attention to our grief it does not mean it is not there.
Grief doesn't just show up in sadness and tears, it comes in waves of irritability and rage, it comes in anxiety and sleeplessness, it comes in pains in the body and symptoms often unexplained. It comes in numbness, or the need to numb with addictive things, it comes with denial and a desire to carry on as normal like the musicians on the Titanic.
The thing is about Collective Grief is that it is there whether we turn and face it or not and it bears down on us, impacts us, and changes our communities and society in ways we might not always understand. In this individualised capitalistic world it is an illusion to imagine that any of us can separate out our own grief from the grief of others. Those that try to do that will only force the collective grief into the shadows and it will weigh heavier again for it.
Since Griefwork is trending right now and everyone is at it, even the "love n'lighters" who wouldn't have touched it 10 years ago are all over it but it is uncomfortably still being sold as an individual path of healing. Grief is not individual and there is no such thing as healing, not in the sense of "curing" any ways.
If "healing" means anything at all in these palliative stages of capitalism it is surely to be both awake and integral. All the healing work in the world means nothing if we sleepwalk into societal collapse and by our silence, inaction or indifference contribute to the suffering of others. Self responsibility is the pathway to community care; we take care of others by taking care of ourselves; but we cannot take care of ourselves at the expense of others, surely.
The challenge therefore is for the codependent mind, the people pleaser, the one without boundaries, the one that feels too much of others pain, the one that gets overwhelmed... how then do we open to the Collective Grief? Well... not ALONE obviously. And in circle, in ceremony, with support, with grounding and ancient practices like Lament. But also in awakening too to the unhelpful distinction between the grief of self and other; like trying to distinguish between the waves and the ocean. The ego glamour of being the bearer of the world's sorrows only works when we remain isolated and identified with our emotions, addicted to the drama of emotionality.
When we gather in grief we realise and remember that we were never alone; that everyone grieves and is grieving. And that grief is the expression of Love that has no object. When we cut ourselves off from collective grief we cut ourselves off from true Love too.
These times we are living in call for gathering, they call for community, and most importantly and often overlooked - the creation of CAPACITY in communities to show up for each other. What diminishes our capacity to show up for others but the symptoms of unmourned grief as listed above... the tiredness, pain, self centred fear and anger, the codependency? And yet despite knowing we need community everyone is too busy, distracted, avoidant and exhausted to show up for their friends at this time... so we must grieve!
The beauty of holding grief in ceremony, especially the lament work which is so profound and yet simple - bone known - is that the ceremony puts a boundary around the boundaryless, form around the formless and in doing so the whole is greater than the sum of its parts; great potential for transmutation occurs in the collective. The power and presence of the Circle of humanity holds within it the power and the hope for change for a better future, come what may.
So as we all "keep calm and carry on" as the world burns the Invitation of our Times is to gather and lament. For only then do we even stand a chance of changing anything by facing it, together. The Talmud tells us "you are not obligated to complete the work but neither are you free to abandon it"... so gather friends, share your truths, acknowledge your griefs and fears, be witnessed and witness without fixing, just BE together and weep. It is, in fact, the only sane response at these times.
With Love xxx