The Flawed Whistleblower

As you might have deduced from my recent run of writings I am deep in process. One in which I have come to realise I have amends to make to those leaders of organisations that I have been critical of over the years. This includes my own mother, and my sensei and mentor, and also people I had all but forgotten about but came to mind when I asked myself whether I had ever criticised in a less than constructive way?

In fact, there is a litany of people and organisations behind me that I have first laboured for, for free, giving tirelessly of myself for the cause they believed in. Then I became over time frustrated and wondered where was I in all this, what was I doing? Because the leaders of these organisations let me close, I saw their flaws and failings and, confusing love with pity, I wanted to protect them. I worked harder to try to improve things, I started giving very loving and constructive feedback.

Over time, I did not see the changes I thought were necessary. I took this as a personal insult "if only they would listen to me", I was the voice of reason and I was giving them the feedback because I cared about the cause and them, as suffering leaders of complex organisations. But over time when things did not change to fit my ideals I started to consider their practice at times negligent or dangerous, my Mama Bear was awakened and I went to fight for the innocents harmed.

I was never met with the deep gratitude and humility that I hoped for. I was met with stern, cool gaze and an armoured heart. I remember once expressing my discomfort at the way a very influential human had spoken to some innocent young people and I triggered this person into flat out rage. They came toe to toe with me, towering over me, screaming in my face. I let it flood through me; this was what my childhood had prepared me for, I thought. To weather rage. Better out than in, I reasoned, and hoped this experience would illuminate further their need to transform.

I remember in a different organisation how I was only partially concerned with the individual in charge, I actually really liked them personally, I just felt the organisation could have worked better and systems needed to change. But as my feedback and constructive criticism got a colder and colder reception and this leader pulled away, surrounding themselves with others who handled the "complaints" on their behalf; I got angrier and angrier that they were avoiding responsibility.

The more exiled and isolated I became in these processes the more I met the other edge-dwellers in these organisations, the sorrowful, lame and bitter who all gave me fuel to further my quest to sharpen these organisations practices "for the greater good". I experienced myself as the scapegoat, the sacrificial lamb, the one that "took one for the team" as over and over I tried to "bring to consciousness" the flaws in the way they worked. I was the always the Whistleblower, always the Saviour.

And I always left in the end. Including my own mothers work and that of my beloved mentor. I loved them but I was done, burned out and exhausted trying to bring about change from the inside out. So I sat outwith their walls and watched as they continued doing what they were doing anyway, without me. I was alone again, righteous and in my integrity, I believed, but woefully misunderstood and under valued. Out of pocket financially and emotionally for all the labour I had put in.

Now I am a leader in my Field, I am the one receiving the feedback. I am the one that is being scrutinised, criticised and informed of my flaws and shortcomings. And I look back at those patterns of mine in the past and I think FUCK, I owe them an apology and a huge debt of gratitude at the same time.

That archetype of the Whistleblower; ugh, I don't envy anyone who identifies as I do with this energy. I can't comment on anyone else but I see it, for myself, as a heady mix of latent childhood traumas; being the outcast, the exile, the truth teller in an abusive and dysfunctional family. Being the saviour at times of crisis, being the scapegoat often. Enslaved in the drama triangle, the rescuer (and victim) at times, being framed by the dysfunction as the persecutor.

"If you have a problem, then you are the problem" the message of my youth. You can either just shut up and play along, bring solutions not problems or you can fuck off. And because of some innate sense of justice and righteousness I was never able to just play along. The playing along was the problem; I had to change the course of this ship or I had to jump. And over and over and over and over and over again I have tried and tried to bring my ideals to bear on imperfect situations.

And that was exactly what I was doing; I was looking through the lens of my own perfectionism, borne of the same dysfunctional dynamics described above. A belief that if I could get it right, be perfect and save the day then I would be loved. I was looking at complex, imperfect situations through the lens of perfectionism and with incisive strategic precision analysing, annotating and presenting everything that was less than perfect, and yes I expected it to change things and yes I thought people would be grateful for it.

Today I am steering the great ship of my own Work in the world and as I said the other day it feels at times like I am riding a great dragon, today I am steering a huge ship, some other metaphor tomorrow no doubt, one that invokes the precariousness of my "control"; I can only skilfully ride a dragon or steer a great ship through a storm to an extent and there is much well beyond my "control" as well. There are currents, eddies, climate changes, unexpected pirates and acts of God that all I can do is adjust to, ride out, learn from. I am not in control.

I repeat, I am not in control.

Then a complicated factor comes in which is this dubious but enduring sense of serving the Divine Will. Ever cautious of being accused of spiritual bypassing I want to remain accountable, responsive and humble but FFS, I am also serving a vision and mission that at times is well beyond my control. I do not get to stop this dragon, I do not get to just stop this ship... it is forging forward with all the force of a Divine Assignment and may the mercies help those that are not up to the task, or get in the way, or fall overboard... or get burned by the dragon. I, the individual, the human, the friend, the people pleasing nice person who wants everyone to be happy... is distressed time and again when people fall away, singed, burned or drowned.

Then I ask myself if I am delusional, in denial, irresponsible for not seeing that it was me, I, I created this from my own vision, I am responsible for the impact of my actions and inaction, for what I say and what I am silent about, what I do and do not do. I am responsible for every last thing that this dragon burns, I am responsible for every soul on the ship. This is on my watch and this is my responsibility!

And of course there is also the reality that I get things wrong (heaven forbid!), I am flawed, I am broken at times, I am human, I fuck up. I say I will do something and then Life gets in the way. I make promises based on hopes and predictions and then circumstances change and make a liar of me. I gamble on Grace coming in and making things work out, then sometimes they do and then sometimes they don't. I am riding the high seas and I hope beyond hope that the people who feel lied to, or let down, or in the dark KNOW, surely they know, right? That I am not doing that deliberately. The only way they could possibly know what I am doing and thinking would be to alongside me at the wheel of the ship 24/7.

AND there is also a really complicating factor AGAIN which is that the Fuck Ups, the flaws, my vulnerabilities and failings also seem to create the perfect conditions for people to rise into their own power. It seems an essential part of the Process of realisation is to fall out of love with your Captain and to mutiny. I don't ever want to be on a pedestal, or on a plinth or to be considered better than or more valuable than... so inevitably, at some point in the process as students pass through our courses, at some point they need to Kill the Teacher.

I foresaw this a long time ago. This is why we position Death as the Teacher in the whole process of our courses. Keep me off that greasy pedestal for goodness sake!

The spectre, the phantom, the projection upon me as the founder, the facilitator, the voice, the figurehead.... as authority, teacher, "somebody"... has led to some folks feeling they could never, ever, match my skill, talent or impact. I was someone special and they were in a position of respect. Fine, I don't need to be flattered but I also don't like the idea that because I am a charasmatic and talented motherf*cker, that this is an excuse for anyone else to play small. What kind of "authority, teacher, "somebody"..." would I be if I just stayed in the centre, in the spotlight and let everyone adore me.

No, at some point there has to be the mutiny. There has to be rejection of (projected) authority. And this is part of the PROCESS (see yesterday's article).

Those that come closest are the most likely to be the ones that see what needs to change. GASP! This human is not perfect, this company is not perfect, these processes are not perfect, this organisation is not perfect, this community is not perfect... let me write down everything that you are not doing right or is falling short because, surely, SURELY, you would want to know. If you, Alexandra, are committed to being your best self and this organisation to being its best... then you would definitely want my earnest analysis. With bullet points, highlights and structured outcomes, all framed with Love.

Oh hello, me. I know you. You are me.

I remember the mentors and teachers and leaders of my past and I don't want to close my heart and gaze at you coldly. I don't want to go toe to toe with you and blast you with my rage. I don't want to surround myself with sycophants and avoid all feedback. THANK YOU to my teachers for showing me what not to do.

I want to be the kind of person who objectively takes feedback and puts it through the alchemising process. Sifting its base matter from its gold.

I want to be the kind of person who takes the long lists of what someone else thinks I should and shouldn't be doing and compare it with my own (and believe me I have a very long list of my own). I want to have the humility to add to that list where I have missed things. Acknowledge impact of the dragon or the massive galleon I am steering. Acknowledge where it was directly my own shortcomings, directly a result of something I alone did "wrong". And apologise. And move on.

And I am realising now that those organisations I was the whistleblower for... they had their own destiny and I had mine. They were galleons in the storm and my opinions and feedback, my attempts at consciousness, were not going to change the prevailing winds and currents. It was not personal that they did not change immediately, or enough or fast enough. It was in fact my expectations of change that were out of alignment.

Expectations and Perfectionism, the roots of disappointment.

So I owe my teachers and mentors an amends. I need to say to them that I am so sorry that I came for them with such vigour with all my idealism and projections; that I took their moral inventory and felt disappointed in their humanity. I am also grateful for the lessons that I learned through advocating for myself, it was a pathway into my own power. These were my initiations in a culture without rites of passage. I was initiated by the Void.

I realise now as I am in this position myself that although it was incredibly hard for that expectant and perfectionist earnest whistleblower in me to speak up and challenge and ask for things to change; it was also impossibly hard for those I was critical of because they probably knew that every last thing I said was fair. They will have had long lists in their own minds of what they would have liked to have done differently and better if only they had more people, time and resources, more capacity, more space. I became the reinforcer of their inner critic.

And they still loved me. As I love everyone in my Field, truly. For they are on the same path as me, what a blessing!

It is this damned Process, again. God is the Process.

Thank you Process.